Arcadia

I Suppose it Follows Rug A...

RUG B FIELD, originally uploaded by kalarcadia.

Dear Ben,

You must leave this woman before she takes her violence out on you.

Kala and her conflicted friend Stephen drove to Santa Clara yesterday for a rugby game between USA and Ireland. Amid the Beastie Boys music and boorish chewing noises coming from your lady fair, I learned nothing about what rugby actually is.

Oh dear God.

She is violent. She is violent and scary and you must save yourself. There are numbers you can call; there are people who will make sure you are safe. Rugby players are a scourge to society!

On a side note, she watched the new "Terminator" movie afterward because her lust for violence was apparently not sated. The movie was, in comparison, a day spa.

Can I come home now?

-Nikon Coolpix

posetd June 1, 2009 08:05 AM by: Kala
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Loud Noises

K Tiesto, originally uploaded by kalarcadia.

Dear Ben,
You talk to this crazy woman morning, noon, and night. Have you no life of your own, now?
After Princess Platinum spent most of the morning lounging in her underwear with no regard for my needs, I was again towed along to her many appointments. Today: getting her hair done, a two-and-a-half process of random snipping and dying the mange at the nape of her neck which no one ever sees anyway. For the rest of the day, all I heard about was how much she liked her hair.
Deep. Such a deep soul.
A pair of random and very questionable Asians invited her to a DJ Tiesto concert. I couldn't hear much above the maddening din that reminds me of being in your car, but I did hear her confronting a fat mouth-breather for manhandling her. It must have been the new hair, because she would NEVER get in this kind of trouble by herself.
If I had ears, they would still be bleeding.
-Nikon Coolpix.

posetd May 30, 2009 11:53 PM by: Kala
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Captivity

Captivity, originally uploaded by kalarcadia.

Dear Ben,

She means no harm, you say. Try to have some fun, you say.

No can do. Your girlfriend is sadistic.

After suffocating in her purse during work on Friday, she dragged me back to her house and proceeded to gab at you for what felt like a mere three months. She said she had planned to go for dinner and dancing with some male. She is obviously up to no good, because rather than keep her latest slave in tow (that's me, in case subtlety is lost on you), she chose to leave me HERE.

Does she understand that cameras don't need water?

I feel like a character in an Aleksandr Solzhenitsyn novel.

-Nikon Coolpix.

posetd May 29, 2009 07:43 PM by: Kala
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Gallows Humor and Hangover

A Rush of Russian to the Head, originally uploaded by kalarcadia.

Dear Ben,

I thought making friends in captivity would be a good thing. It wasn't.

Today I became acquainted with Bougie, the three-legged Siamese who is a self-professed reincarnation of Slobodan Milosevic, while Kala and Katie piggishly inhaled fajitas and vodka cocktails. This Bougie is pure evil. When she doesn't get her way, she hisses and bites. She has absolutely no mercy for passing chihuahuas. And as I soon discovered, she loves the sauce.

Once the women retreated to the parlor to stitch and bitch, Bougie all but face-planted into the vodka and insisted I follow suit. I tried to politely decline, in case the vodka left me too out of my sorts to defend myself from your girlfriend. Bougie would have none of it. That cat is scary when she is insistent.

What happened next is mostly a blur, and frankly still is. I heard Kala and Katie laughing with sadistic glee at some point while Bougie snored, but that's it. Now your charming lady has taken the most humiliating photo of me yet.

My memory card hurts.

-Nikon Coolpix

posetd May 28, 2009 08:55 PM by: Kala
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Roasted Cat

Goo Goo, originally uploaded by kalarcadia.

Dear Ben,

Will this ever end?

I could hear Kala talking until nearly midnight last night, and the voice that responded sounded almost exactly like you. Suspicious. Even more suspicious is the complete lack of discussion about transferring prisoners of war back to their rightful state. Perhaps you are earning her trust?

Google the cat seems to be a prisoner here as well. I saw him this morning in a roasting pan, clearly plotting an elaborate suicide plan. I sympathize, brave cat. We poor captives were grouped together this morning for another photograph. Perhaps your girlfriend needs proof that there is no end to her cruelty, or that we are perhaps still alive. Though I can't say that Google will be for long. Just look at the agony on his face.

Please don't allow me to be her next victim.

-Nikon Coolpix.

posetd May 27, 2009 07:08 AM by: Kala
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Cheeseburger Pizza

003, originally uploaded by kalarcadia.

Dear Ben,

Ugh. Twenty-five hours have passed without a word from you. I can only assume that you're borrowing money for my ransom, or assembling an army. I can dream.

Today I was stuck in a sweltering hot purse underneath Kala's desk. When I was not serenaded by the screech of the adjacent copy machine, I could make out the occasional slur of the most ridiculous slack-jawed skanks known to mankind. You never told me that your girlfriend works with hopeless retards.

As she left work I felt the clink of a pair of sunglasses fall into her bag. Apparently when patients do not reclaim items from the clinic within 30 days, your scavenger sweetheart takes what she likes. (Calling "dibs", as she puts it. Charming.)

I was introduced to Kala's friend Katie this evening. She seems kind enough, though with the baking and yarn crafts she reminds me of Martha Stewart on Mescaline. Kala was sufficiently distracted with making cheeseburger pizza, dinner rolls, and bikinis, giving me some time to breathe and get acquainted with the sunglasses.

And that's when things took a turn for the worst. I suppose Kala took inspiration from Abu Ghraib photographs, because she yanked me and the sunglasses out of her purse and handed them to Katie. She then produced her Canon PowerShot, which is a far better blunt instrument than a camera, and captured me and the glasses in a moment of misery. Please send troops soon.

I am stuck in a bag with some yarn and the drooling Canon. The girls are crocheting and watching reality TV.

I thought your girlfriend was a tomboy.

HELP!

-Nikon Coolpix

posetd May 26, 2009 08:17 PM by: Kala
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Hostage Situation

004, originally uploaded by kalarcadia.

Dear Ben,

You suck.

Thanks for abandoning me in California. What, I'm not good enough for you any more? It's bad enough that you barely pay attention to me these days, but now you conveniently leave me in the hands of your maniac girlfriend. This is humiliating. Just look at what she did to me with just the right amount of Post-Its and boredom. (She didn't even get camera anatomy right. Med student my ass.)

I have a terrible feeling that the degradation and shame will continue until you take the proper steps to retrieve me. If it's a ransom, just give it to her. If it's a political message that motivates her, call CNN. Please, do whatever it takes to GET ME OUT OF HERE!

I hate you so much right now. Save me.

-Nikon Coolpix

posetd May 25, 2009 09:43 PM by: Kala
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